Oof. I certainly did not follow through with my half-repurposing my blog to tackle more politically charged topics. In hindsight that may have been a good thing. I still have many opinions, but needless to say stewing in that shit would have been extremely unhealthy for me. Hell, I even took a 3 month hiatus from all social media and still haven’t consumed it the same since.
It has been just over 4 years now dealing with my degenerating nerve condition and things and things have only become more difficult. Not only in the physical but also the mental and emotional. Often I feel defeated by my condition which has led to me not pursuing seeking medical advice and exploration as I should be.
Why should I toss money down the drain when the medical world has no clue what is happening to me? Exploration and treatment is not cheap and I only fear that eventually I will be denied healthcare period for having a “pre-existing condition.”
Perhaps subconsciously I’ve been avoiding medical help simply because I know that at some point my only options will either be alternative medicines which I have no faith in (have tried many options and nothing has helped in the least) or financially ruining my family.
It’s a source of much frustration for both myself and my wife. Would I love to have a higher quality-of-life? Of course, but it’s hard to properly convey just how exhausting being in constant nerve pain. I have my good days, but even those are often punctuated with acute flare-ups and that doesn’t even begin to speak to the mental exhaustion I routinely feel from rarely getting restful sleep.
It’s very distracting and consuming. Yet I would be doing myself a disservice if I did not acknowledge that by writing this blog entry that I’m exhibiting a desire to fight my condition; to not completely roll over and give up — though there has been plenty of that. Small victories, right?
I don’t mean to downplay it as I honestly hope to string enough productive days together to get things rolling back in the right direction. My life does not need to be defined by my growing disability. My life does not need to be …
But what do I do? Returning to art and design seems the most logical option even though I face challenges of feeling inadequate in that realm these days. Those challenges are not from a lack of ability or talent — certainly strong in both — it’s from the mental clarity and motivation that I struggle the most with.
How do you mentally psyche yourself up and steel your resolve to see a project through while exhausted from unending nerve distress? My hands have not been spared from my nerve degradation and that makes everything difficult. Which brings me back to seeking medical help and needing to feel confident that I can be helped. How do I get that back?
Maybe I need to change my frame of reference and not expect myself to being capable of adhering to what I would previously consider a satisfactory timeline for projects. To just allow myself to make a small amount of progress on a project while physically able and mentally clear.
Will that be enough to sustain my motivation? Currently that answer is a resounding no given the past 4 years. Clinging to how things were prior to my nerve disease has kept me in this lurch and I need to let go of that. Only after allowing myself to do that will I be able to start to make progress towards leading a productive “new” life.
Let’s hope I can convince myself.